Down the Tube :: Lucy Lawless is on the job!

I can only speak for myself, but I would feel a whole lot safer in this increasingly dangerous world if I knew Lucy Lawless was on the job. That's right - if we can elect Conan governor of California, I think we can make Xena the head of FEMA, or even Secretary of Defense.

Just look at her resume. First, six spectacular seasons of "Xena," including the final episode where she sacrificed herself to save everyone. Lucy is willing to die for us and that's the kind of person I want in office.

Now obviously the higher-ups at CBS - and they must know something, they work in TV - see leadership qualities in Lucy. They currently have her starring in the Dr. Maddy Rierdon (the name certainly sounds authoritative) series of TV movies where Lucy plays a "USDA voracious insect expert." Earlier this year, Lucy helped a small town fight back a plague of bioengineered locusts in "Locusts!" Last week, she squared off with bioengineered vampire bats in "Vampire Bats!" which are always a nuisance and a terrible inconvenience if one has long, luxurious hair like Lucy. Hopefully, you didn?t miss this mini-masterpiece. After all, it was your civic duty to tune in.

"Vampire Bats" really sets the tone for additional Maddy Rierdon films. Lucy - now a college professor - arrives in another small town after two of her students are framed for the death of another student by sneaky mutant bats. More bodies pile up, but don't worry. Why? Because Lucy Lawless is on the job! Her presence sort wrings the tension out of any thriller because I don't think there is any chemically enhanced insect or creature of the night that could really give Lucy a run for her money. Really, the moment she hears the word bat, she?s smart enough to wrap her head with a tasteful, plumb-colored scarf that makes her look like a gypsy fortune-teller, which makes sense, because we all know what's gonna happen. Lucy - hell or highwater - will save the day.

The question of who could serve as Lucy's second-in-command is also easily answered by "Vampire Bats," which really does serve as an advertisement for Lucy's future political career. The answer: her "Vampire Bats" co-star Brett Butler, who has often shown us "grace under fire," even when she was completely smashed and berating her cast and crew. Brett is one tough broad and clearly won't be a yes-man to Lucy.

Now, if we all behave and start writing those letters and postcards, the nice people at the ?CBS Network to Elect Lucy Lawless? promise to greenlight another Maddy Rierdon movie right away. She could possibly fight giant horseflies, mutant seahorses, or very cross beavers. Any which way, this country needs someone to believe in, a new hero to shoulder the responsibilities so far ignored by our elected officials and as far as I'm concerned, Lucy Lawless is the woman for the job.