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Hedda Dishes Drag Race :: The way they were

by Hedda Lettuce
Tuesday Apr 17, 2012

Hello gentle Americans. "RuPaul's Drag Race" has only one episode left. Let's do a recap of the season. Make sure to bring your barf bag, it's nauseating.

Episode 1: Alicia Summers, booze hound and bimbo, was booted off after walking the runway wearing a breast plate. She thought that fake tits, pouring out of her low cut blouse, was enough to keep her in the game; sadly the judges deflated her dreams of glory and sent her home to drink and drive once again.

Episode 2: The second show found the Mr. Clean of drag, The Princess, in the bottom two along with the mentally challenged Lashaun Beyond. Lashuan's runway look was covered with large gumballs that lost their flavor rather quickly. Poor judgment had her kicking off her heels as she lip-synched for her life, and she was sent packing.

Episode 3: The Princess had a rough time gaining momentum; with only a baldhead as gimmick she was sent back to her doublewide castle in the sky, much to the relief of the viewing audience. This princess will never be queen.

Episode 4: In this episode Milan was pitted against the very large Madame La Queer. Milan, who is a dear friend, did not give good TV. Her personality came across as flat as her tits. Madame LaQueer was a loveable ball of Latin love, but could not compete with Milan who took off her heels, her wig and her dress trying to wow the judges. Madame La Queer was sent home and Milan unfortunately was saved.

Episode 5: Milan was in the bottom two along with the drag chupacabra, Kenya Michael. Milan looked like she applied her makeup with Kenya Michael’s ass. After watching Kenya perform I wanted to deport her. I know Puerto Rico is a state, but she still should be deported; deported she was. The panel of esteemed judges sent her home with her g-string in a bag.

Episode 6: In the bottom two, once again we found Milan (her third time) and Jiggly Caliente. Milan did what she did best: lifted her trick leg above her head, she mopped the floor with her ball sack, and embarrassingly tore of her wig and ripped off her clothes. She looked like her pimp raped her. Jiggly removed her heels and performed in her bare feet, which is a very popular move on "Drag Race." Why the judges do not disqualify the girls for this drag sin leaves me to believe they are delirious from the fumes from Michele Visage’s boob sweat. Milan was thrown overboard and Jiggly was washed ashore keeping her in the contest.

Episode 7: By episode’s end the drug-addled Wilam and the chubby Jiggly Caliente had to lip-synch for their lives. Wilam chose not to wear any panties and spun around, showing her butt-hole off to the judges. Jiggly did her best with the material she had to work with; standing and pointing with an intensity that far exceeded that material. In the end Wilam and her brown eye were victorious and Jiggly was sent home.

Episode 8: Arch enemies Phi-Phi O’Hara and Goth queen Sharon Needles were in the bottom two. Let the blood bath begin! Phi-Phi did an amazing job and I was sure Sharon was going to be sent home. But surprise, Wilam (who puked off the side of the stage moments earlier) was asked to step forward and was disqualified for breaking the rules. They did not say what rule she broke, but much to the relief of Phi-Phi and Sharon they were saved.

Episode 9: Dita Ritz and Latrice Royal found themselves in the bottom two and had to lip-synch for their lives to Gladys Knight’s, "I’ve Got To Use My Imagination." Thankfully both contestants kept their heels on, but Dita left nothing to the imagination. Pulling off her dress, she hopped around the stage like a headless chicken; as Latrice gave an amazing old school lip-synch which reminded me of New York City’s very own, Sweetie. Dita (of the ashy knees) was sent home, and the remaining contestants were kicked in their tranny nut clusters when they heard one of the losing contestants would be brought back into the competition.

Episode 10: Kenya was brought back and yet again she was eliminated. Kenya and Latrice had to lip-synch for their lives to Aretha Franklin’s, "Natural Woman." Latrice stood center stage, with her hands placed Madonna-like over her baby bump, and confidently interpreted the material with a well-placed lip. Kenya kicked off her heels and hopped around the stage in a desperate attempt at stealing focus from Latrice. She did a death drop (which I am sure was not good for the baby), tore off her wig and circled Latrice like she was caught in her orbit. Her performance reeked from the stench of a miscarriage and gratefully she was sent home.

Episode 11: Chad Michaels, for the first time, found herself in the bottom two along with Latrice Royal. Chad was saved and Latrice, teary-eyed, was sent home, but not before she told RuPaul how Ru has changed the face of drag forever. Yes, she has given drag a cleft lip and a glass eye.

There you have it gentle readers - the big, the bad and the ugly. The time of reckoning is next week and only one gal will be crowned America’s next top drag queen.

Stay fresh,
Hedda Lettuce

Hedda Lettuce is NYC premier Drag Comic. Hedda has appeared with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Williams and Madonna on such television shows as Project Runway, Sex and the City, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Ugly Betty. Hedda is one of the stars of The Sundance Channel’s new reality show-Garo Unleased and was on LOGO’s DRAGTASTIC! Hedda’s film appearances include: The Look (Carol Alt), Too Wong Foo, GO GO CRAZY from the producers of The Big Gay Musical, Violet Tendencies and Musical Chairs. She has been in numerous Off-Broadway shows and her annual holiday show-Lettuce Rejoice-has been a sold out event for the past ten years. Miss Lettuce has also had the pleasure of working with many high-profile charity events. For the past ten years, Hedda has been hosting a classic movie night, at the Clearview Chelsea Cinemas. This past June, Miss Lettuce celebrated her 11th anniversary hosting classic films at the legendary Ziegfeld Theater.


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